Full video here

Official audio here

Pilu Membiru mungkin jadi salah satu lagu paling menyentuh yang pernah saya dengar. Awalnya memang agak sangsi tiap ada lagu yang berembel-embel "menyentuh" atau "menyayat hati" dan label senada lainnya. Tapi beda untuk lagu-lagu di album Mantra Mantra, khususnya lagu ini. Lagunya menyentuh nggak sih? Menyentuh banget! Menyayat hati? Bukan lagiii... Tapi waktu dengar lagu ini dan begitu baca dan nonton wawancara Mas Kunto Aji di awal rilisnya album ini, makin yakin kalau memang lagu ini sangat-sangat personal. Efeknya? Banyak pendengar yang menginterpretasikan makna lagu ini dengan pengalaman mereka. Ada yang mengingatkan mereka dengan orang tua, keluarga, belahan jiwa, dan orang-orang yang tercinta. Semua benar, semua menyentuh, dan semua bisa menerjemahkan itu sesuai yang mereka mau. Saya pun demikian.

Membaca banyak cerita para pendengar Mantra Mantra, banyak dari mereka yang merasa bahwa lagu-lagu ini merupakan terapi untuk mengurai luka lama atau masalah yang masih terpendam. Saya juga merasakan hal yang sama. Khusus di lagu Pilu Membiru ini...banyak memori masa lalu yang muncul dan mengubah suasana hati saya. Harus dihadapi, karena tidak bisa kita selamanya membiarkan kekusutan itu ada di dalam pikiran kita. Tulisan ini mungkin bisa jadi awal upaya saya mengurai semuanya.

"Akhirnya Aku lihat lagi/Jemarimu yang bergerak bebas/Seiring tawamu"

To be honest, the very first time I heard this song, I cried for almost an hour. My mind went straight to my childhood and I recalled all the things that happened at that time. The hardest time of my life was probably during my fourth and fifth year at elementary school. I was fat and short. Face covered with acne, thanks to puberty. I was neither athletic nor good in math and science. Definitely not the smartest kid in the room.

I was lucky that I had loyal friends who got my back. We are still keeping in touch with each other. Never a dull moment with them. But, my surroundings were not all nice and kind. There were some kids who physically and verbally harassed me. They mocked my appearance: my weight, my face, and my height. They told me I was ugly. When I walked past them, they would pretend that I caused an earthquake while laughing at me. They said an elephant was taking too much space in classroom. I was the elephant. 

One moment that I could not forget for the rest of my life is when they were suffocating me until my face turned red and I ran out of breath. They pointed their fingers at me, because I looked funny. No one helped me. Not even the girls. That was the moment when I felt no one loved me.

I got nowhere to run. I had no one to talk to about my problems. I felt I was alone...even to this day.

I have been feeling insecure about my appearance. Everything got worse as I continued my study to junior high school. Everyone was actualizing themselves. Obviously, the athletic kids were idolized by many. The geniuses were having a good time at science and math competitions. Me? Junior high was the beginning of me...as a wallflower.

My insecurities started to escalate. I could not stop comparing myself to everyone. I compared my height with the best basketball player. I compared my face with the most good looking guy at my class. I compared my skills with the all-rounder kids at my school. I lost...miserably. I lost my confidence and my self-worth.

I blamed everyone but me. I was victimizing myself for all the things that had happened.

The story is just a tip of an iceberg. I am just too scared to recall all of them.

"Masih banyak yang belum sempat aku katakan padamu"

Now, I feel bad for letting my younger self down. I was too selfish and blinded by insecurities and hate. I do have lots of things to say to my younger self. I can't seem to say it out loud without crying and feeling sorry. But, I will give it a shot:


To my younger self,

I know it is too late for me to say this. But I want to apologize for my behaviors.

I am sorry that I was too scared to open up.

I am sorry that you had to go through hard times and held everything by yourself without no one to talk to.

I admit I was a coward.

I am sorry for blaming you. I am sorry for saying that you made me the way I am now.

I have the choice to change. It is always been in my hands. But I refused.

I know how hard it was for you to stand up by yourself.


To my younger self,

I want to thank you for being so brave and so strong

When everyone was making fun of you, I know you tried so hard to not cry.

When you wanted to end the misery once and for all, I know you fought really hard to stay alive.

When your tears started to come out, I know how hard it was for you to put a big and bright smile and pretending that everything was okay.


Thank you.

Thank you for being so strong for me, your older self.

"Tak ada yang seindah matamu, hanya rembulan. Tak ada yang selembut sikapmu, hanya lautan. Tak tergantikan... Walau kita tak lagi saling menyapa."

From now on, I will try to remember you as a carefree kid who smiles a lot. A kid who has a big curiosity about life. A kid who believes that the world is a good place. No bullies, no insecurities. I LOVE YOU!

I recommend everyone to listen to this song. Mari resapi liriknya, temukan semua yang mengganjal dan menahan kita untuk maju. Mari hadapi dan urai semua benang kusut di benak kita. Secara perlahan tapi pasti.

Seperti kata Mas Kunto Aji, kalau ingin menangis, menangislah. Karena menangis itu bentuk pertahanan alami manusia.

Cheers.